I know I should be writing about more substantial things in life; the things that affect our families, our relationships, and our livelihoods. But, every once in a while, I feel the need to rant and to release some of that nasty, petty stuff that’s just begging to get said. So when I woke up this morning a tad testy for no apparent reason, (I like to chalk it up to hormones because at age 52 it’s a pretty safe bet) I decided I would give myself the luxury of indulging in pure ranting pleasure by sharing just a few of the things that are most likely, if I really gave this some thought, just the tip of my ticked off iceberg.
The Disgraceful Condition Of Women’s Public Restrooms: Ladies, do you have some secret penis hidden up there somewhere that sneaks out when you close the stall door in a public restroom?? What’s with the urine EVERYWHERE? As one who has cleaned up more than her fair share of incredibly badly aimed piss, I have
to ask, “What the hell are you thinking?” The seat is splattered with the stuff, there are drips all over the floor right where my new leather Frye boots have to go for me to be able to sit/squat, and half the time there is also toilet paper littering the area making it nearly impossible to exit without having to peel it off the new boots. Have we not all cleaned up enough of this in our own homes to understand that if we all take the time to maintain some sense of cleanliness we can all enjoy a nice sanitary pee? Stop standing over the bowl and sit the hell down. Put down TP if necessary, and PLEASE AIM for the inside of the bowl. Pretty please!!!
Women Who Apply Makeup While Driving: Ok, really? The cell phone is bad enough, but driving while applying eyeliner, lipstick and mascara is just too much. I fantasize about smashing into you from behind sending that tool on a crazy trek across your face. If you can’t squeeze in two minutes before leaving home or to sit in the parking space at your office to get this job done, re-think your alarm setting. Seriously, if you hurt me, my kid, or anyone else I know on the road so that your lips are done, I’ll haunt you for the rest of your life.
The State Of Women’s Dressing Rooms: So let me ask, is it that you are just tired of picking up after everyone else in your life? Are you so sick of folding all of the laundry, placing the clothes onto hangers and into drawers that you have become so incensed that you leave a dressing room looking like you’ve just found out your husband/significant other is having a wild affair and as a result you have taken all of his belongings and dropped them from a thirty-story building? When you pull back the big curtain and step out, are you thinking “Ha Ha Ha, so glad I don’t have to re-hang thirty bras, 15 bathing suit bottoms or 10 pairs of pants?” Do you realize that I am about to enter this space after you, perhaps to try on my special mother of the groom dress or maybe what I hope will be the perfect new bathing suit? But, wait, no..here I am searching for a hook and standing among all of your strewn rejects. Then, the lucky soul that works those dressing rooms who, by the way, might just be your kid, your mom, or your sister has to apologize for not making her way to the room quickly enough to clean up after the pig that just left. Need I say more?
People Who Believe They Are The Only Ones Staying At The Hotel: Why, why, why must we scream down hotel hallways at 3:00 am? Why, why, why must kids careen down the halls, bouncing off the corridor walls all while arguing over who gets to insert the key? Why, why, why must we congregate outside a guest room at midnight to have the conversation that could so easily be had just inside the damn door of your own room? Why, why, why…….
People Who Bring Kids To Inappropriate Places: I have three kids. There was a time and a place for them at varying ages. I understand that it is your right to bring your kids where you want to, but ask yourself, is it fair and is it smart? Screaming children in movie theaters are not ok. If your kid isn’t old enough to understand what is happening on the screen, he is too young to be there. Screaming children in “real” restaurants aren’t ok. By real, I mean an establishment with waiters, that doesn’t serve fast food, and that is not family-oriented. I don’t need to spell it out more clearly than this. Common sense applies. If your kid can’t eat the food and stay in the seat using the proper inside voice, then call the sitter, or wait til he can. Very simple.
Believe me, I could go on. But it’s time to eat. I’m thinking that maybe food will improve my mood. Then, I think I’ll go for a walk. Maybe by then I won’t care if you pack the new bathing suit you bought at the mall after leaving 25 rejects on the floor of your dressing room to head out on your road trip to Florida driving while applying your lipstick causing a 5-car pileup then stopping to piss all over the rest area bathroom on the way to stay at a hotel where you will discuss world peace outside of your room at 2:00 am, with the baby on your hip that you took to the 5-star restaurant.
What really ticks you off? Please share. You’ll feel so much better.